Happy New Year and all that jazz.

This, the later part of December, is my favourite time of the year, maybe second to my birthday part of the year, but whatever. All the festivity for Christmas and new year, and the whole ‘new year, new beginning’ thing really appeals to me. It brings with it long commentaries on The Year That Was in almost all the major newspapers and periodicals, which for no particular reason, make me very happy. Also the holidays and nothing much to do -ness gets you introspecting and pondering over the usual; circumstances have changed and the context is different but the same old questions torment me once again. My existence is yet to be justified. There’s so much to be done, and the process hasn’t even begun. How good is good enough? How much is too much? Where does right end and wrong begin? Where do we draw the line?

January to April passed in a blur. The school annual function. Exams, exams and more exams. Board Examinations. JEE. The total screw-up. The regret. [The demons of which still continue to haunt me at night, though less frequently now. One day, I will get over it] The much-awaited long vacations. Which were really not much fun. Restlessness. Anxiety. Results. Moroseness. Numbness. IIT Delhi. Cramped rooms. Stinky loos. Homesickness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Introduction to Quantum Chemistry. Introduction to weird sicko guys. And scheming (p)sycophantic girls. Missing a practical class, the following quiz, allegedly resulting in missing a grade. Missing the next grade by a whisker in multiple courses. Bad grades. All’s bad that ends bad? Being mean. Guilt trips. Stupid mistakes. Guilt trips. Being a prick through the Goa trip. Guilt trips. Boy, this has been one unfulfilling year. I wonder why I am doing this post.

It will be alright, won’t it? Someday?

Please don’t give up on me. I am trying my best. Okay, no more moaning. I understand I am the joker, and the joke is on me.

“Love is like a flower, even the most beautiful kind dies.” – Till Lindemann

Farewell. Photos. Best student - IX to XII. NCO 17. IMO 27. Shopping. Loads of it. A’s big confession. Long emotional speeches. Long emotional letters. Promises to remain in constant touch [kept]. Anticipation. Excitement. College. Momos. Butterscotch icecream. Institute roof. QC events. Rendezvous. Strawberry Shortcake. The mushroom and black olives wala pasta they have at Pizza Square [Absolute Fabulosity].

So the nice parts are fewer in number than the bad ones, and mostly consist of ‘alimentary’ accomplishments, but this is a post I had written a few days ago, and I hate it now and I hate the fact that I can do nothing to make it a little bit brighter or even remotely readable, am back in my self-loathing state and I’m sorry but right now I cannot ‘count my blessings’. The above passage was my last attempt at trying to make this cheerful. Sadly, there’s not much I can think of right now which kind of reinforces my belief in the fact that I am totally worthless and insignificant. Very very abruptly now, but since this was the point of the post, here’s wishing me[and everyone else] a super-awesomely happy, exciting, cheery AND lucky 2010 which will hopefully find me a better person.

Happy New Year! May it be your best yet.

PS – This also turns out to be my 50^th post. [Not counting the first post Uz so sweetly deleted, and then the one I did] Congratulate me. Or bite me. Either way, wouldn’t make much difference. Wow. Am I miserable or am I miserable?

...Santa that's my only wish this year...

> World Peace. :)

> Female empowerment.

> Roomie attaining enlightenment, promising to keep the room neat, clean and green. And I am not very particular about the last part.

> Educational opportunities for the retards who write the dialogues for the Star Plus/Colours/Sony soaps.

> Restraint over my words and actions. Also over my mind, which seems to have a mind and mood of its own.

> Compassion, not just towards fellow humans, but also for our four-legged furry friends.

> Better understanding of the human psyche.

> The ability to stick to my plans.

> An opportunity to change someone's life, make a difference, a positive one.

> Forgiveness.

> Unexpected hugs. Nothing, and I repeat, nothing makes me happier. Conditions apply though, please smell nice. :)

> Choco excess, Barista. On my to-do list.

> Earphones which fit into my ears. Honestly, I never seem to find a pair which would stay inside. I have unnaturally small ears, maybe, but they seem to keep dropping off on their own. The earphones, and not the ears, I mean.

> Alvin and the Chipmunks version of 'She Will Be Loved'. I am just totally unable to download it, though I did find it on youtube, but I want the mp3 version, one which can be stored and listened to at will, on my cellphone.

> A surprise party. I have never had one. Surprise parties are meant for birthdays, occasions which get me humongously excited, like a year before they actually arrive. Which kind of means the day after my birthday, I start preparing for the next one, which is kind of true. The point is, I am so totally into my big elaborate party myself, I never gave people the opportunity to surprise me with one! Though considering the fact that my best friends are like the epitome of laziness, I wonder if they would give me one even if I hadn't had one planned already. Sigh.

> Infinite supply of Mountain Dew and Cheetos 'Masala Balls'.

> Guitar-playing guy. :D

> Return of Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Lab, Pokemon, Flintstones, Jetsons on Cartoon Network, and also F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

> Soft toys. Can you ever have enough of them?

> 'All we need is love'. Not really. Maybe we need more expression. :)

PS - The title is a very sweet song by Britney, go give it a hear.

...Give me reason but don't give me choice, 'cause I'll just make the same mistake again...

I deleted the entire message archive on my cell today.
And yes, this is big, big enough to warrant a blog entry.

There have been resolutions taken tonight. Hopefully they will seem as good in the morning.

***

Same Mistake - James Blunt

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake,
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.


***

PS - And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.

Would you make me number one on your playlist?

Its official. I agree with MTV. Twilight is gay. Its like, a mountain of mush. *Brokeback Mountain of Mush, did you say? :P*. It begins okay, all high school-ey and cute-ish, but then goes on to oh-my-God-one-of-my-flying-in-the-wind-hairstrands-was-within-a-metre-of-the-nail-on-Edward's-pinky-finger-and-so-I-get-my-cardiac-arrested. And am sorry but all it makes me feel is, well, nauseous.

***

Clad in brown trousers and a chequered white shirt, unfailingly he comes, every night at 8 30, and mornings at 7. Without complaining, without flinching, Bhavesh braves through the tasks of washing, cleaning, dusting, and the likes, bestowing upon him the honour of being my mom's Knight in Shining Armor. As we sat having dinner, mom cracked a fairly humorous joke, not rib-crackingly hilarious but funny enough to deserve a chuckle. But me being me, got my famed insane fit of giggles which later metamorphosed into mammoth hysteria, so much so I started choking on my dal. What registered with the auditory senses was an eclectic hybrid of giggles mated with the gasping-gurgling-attempts-at-oxygen. My parents being my parents had had enough experiences of my 'freak of nature'ness and hence calmly continued eating, mentally trying to convince themselves of the fact that I was in fact, but a consequence of their own gene pool. When suddenly a breathless figure appeared on the anvil *okay, door*, terror writ large on his face *okay, I exaggerate*. "Kya hua?" Bhavesh asked, with more than a subtle hint of fear marking his voice. "Kuch nahi, has rahi hai!" said Dad, obviously embarrassed. "Oh, mujhe laga wo gir gayi aur ro rahi hai..".

True story.

Now I can't bring myself to meet his eyes. Not that I wanted to stare deep into them for eternity or anything, but you know. I can't even look at him, I am like Embarrassed with a capital E, followed by a capital M, and then a capital B, you get the drift. What the world come to be. Sigh.

***

Continuing with the she series.

She was, indeed, living a fairytale, with just a slight twist, what with the Hero and the Bad Guy being the same person. She thought his lying would make it easier for her. And she was wrong, as usual. There was a time when she would reread his messages and smile, now she just feels sick. She shakes her head and laughs at being in the QuestionMark mode all this while, when the answer lay stark in front of her.

***

I was too lazy to reach out for the remote and change the channel, which gave me an opportunity to be apprised of certain gems, which would only be found, abundantly so, on Star Plus, such as this one:

"Tumne us neech jaath ki Sarla ke chawal ki kheer banayi?" *thwacks the wife*

Just sitting through a half-hour daily makes me want to do so much to the script/dialogue writers, details of which will remain unmentioned, for this blog believes in the Gandhian ideals of peace and non-violence.

***

Oh and just by the way, I think opening multiple windows instead of multiple tabs, is very very lame.

slit wrists, again.

This was not what she had expected. Definitely not what she had wanted. Those were the paths she had vowed never to tread again. Yet she found herself on the same crossroads. Or maybe, not. There wasn't a choice left to make, now. She had unconsciously decided on the direction, while still in the trance. Now that she had finally removed her rainbow-coloured glasses, only to find herself on the point of no return, she wanted to go back. Nothing in her life had ever been in her control, and this was no exception. She realised she had used up her lifetime's share of will power, and the vestiges of her sanity were fast dwindling as well. She realised there's only so much she could do when she was just a puppet on strings, in the hands of someone who didn't even realise. Realise his power on her was but an exponential function, every tiny maneuver producing a colossal emotional upheaval. And then she gave up her pretences, her high and mighty wall of defences. And then she broke down and cried.

***

And God said "Let there be light". And there was light.
And so she moved to the darkness. The light brought to sight so much she didn't want to see.

"..and so the lion fell in love with the lamb.."

"And I knew in that I had my answer. I didn't know if there was ever a choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew - if I knew - I could do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.

Even if.."

->Twilight<-

so psyched-ness is a permanent state of my mind now

And if there's somebody in your life who you think would only be remembered as a regret, maybe you need to chuck him out, here and now, because there's no going back. No pretending it never happened. Because it looks like the easiest option but sorry, it doesn't work out. You just realise they are too much 'into' you for you to shut them out. You realise you are not a child anymore and that closing your eyes will not make you invisible to other people. And when you open them again, things will be the same around you. That you only get to spend so much time in Fantasyland, and then 'Show's over', your ticket ain't valid no longer. Too much you-know-about-them, too much they-know-about-you, too much happiness, too much hurt, just too many memories. Decoding every subtle attempt at sarcasm, looking through every fake smile, catching every hint of a tear, and yet trying not to look into those omniscient eyes is no fun. You could be lucky and not run into him and everything would seem fine, but put yourself and your insane-mess-of-emotions within a 2 metre radius of him for a couple of hours, and you are no longer in the amethyst-bed-covers-and-cheery-lilac-curtains room: suffocated with teddy bears, karaoke-ing away to the latest Katy Perry, you are holding on to the phone listening to the dead staccato beats, trying not to let the tears stream down your face.

Piling up hopes, only to crumble into a heap-

I need to give up before I fall in too deep.

Note - Please don't take offences, anybody, it isn't about you, okay maybe it is, but it isn't just about you, its also the other you, and more of me and my indefatigable stream of abstruse thoughts.

---

My Dad asked me what I count as the happiest moment of my life, or maybe one of the moments I was exceptionally over-the-top happy? I could think of none. Has my life been that shallow and uninspiring? Can you tell me what was yours? Or if lucky, one of them happiest mo's?

---

I so need that Goa trip next week. Maybe I'll throw away my laptop and cell phone at home, disconnect from the world, and try and attain some 'moksha' from the proverbial 'moh-maya'.