Happy New Year and all that jazz.

This, the later part of December, is my favourite time of the year, maybe second to my birthday part of the year, but whatever. All the festivity for Christmas and new year, and the whole ‘new year, new beginning’ thing really appeals to me. It brings with it long commentaries on The Year That Was in almost all the major newspapers and periodicals, which for no particular reason, make me very happy. Also the holidays and nothing much to do -ness gets you introspecting and pondering over the usual; circumstances have changed and the context is different but the same old questions torment me once again. My existence is yet to be justified. There’s so much to be done, and the process hasn’t even begun. How good is good enough? How much is too much? Where does right end and wrong begin? Where do we draw the line?

January to April passed in a blur. The school annual function. Exams, exams and more exams. Board Examinations. JEE. The total screw-up. The regret. [The demons of which still continue to haunt me at night, though less frequently now. One day, I will get over it] The much-awaited long vacations. Which were really not much fun. Restlessness. Anxiety. Results. Moroseness. Numbness. IIT Delhi. Cramped rooms. Stinky loos. Homesickness. Helplessness. Hopelessness. Introduction to Quantum Chemistry. Introduction to weird sicko guys. And scheming (p)sycophantic girls. Missing a practical class, the following quiz, allegedly resulting in missing a grade. Missing the next grade by a whisker in multiple courses. Bad grades. All’s bad that ends bad? Being mean. Guilt trips. Stupid mistakes. Guilt trips. Being a prick through the Goa trip. Guilt trips. Boy, this has been one unfulfilling year. I wonder why I am doing this post.

It will be alright, won’t it? Someday?

Please don’t give up on me. I am trying my best. Okay, no more moaning. I understand I am the joker, and the joke is on me.

“Love is like a flower, even the most beautiful kind dies.” – Till Lindemann

Farewell. Photos. Best student - IX to XII. NCO 17. IMO 27. Shopping. Loads of it. A’s big confession. Long emotional speeches. Long emotional letters. Promises to remain in constant touch [kept]. Anticipation. Excitement. College. Momos. Butterscotch icecream. Institute roof. QC events. Rendezvous. Strawberry Shortcake. The mushroom and black olives wala pasta they have at Pizza Square [Absolute Fabulosity].

So the nice parts are fewer in number than the bad ones, and mostly consist of ‘alimentary’ accomplishments, but this is a post I had written a few days ago, and I hate it now and I hate the fact that I can do nothing to make it a little bit brighter or even remotely readable, am back in my self-loathing state and I’m sorry but right now I cannot ‘count my blessings’. The above passage was my last attempt at trying to make this cheerful. Sadly, there’s not much I can think of right now which kind of reinforces my belief in the fact that I am totally worthless and insignificant. Very very abruptly now, but since this was the point of the post, here’s wishing me[and everyone else] a super-awesomely happy, exciting, cheery AND lucky 2010 which will hopefully find me a better person.

Happy New Year! May it be your best yet.

PS – This also turns out to be my 50^th post. [Not counting the first post Uz so sweetly deleted, and then the one I did] Congratulate me. Or bite me. Either way, wouldn’t make much difference. Wow. Am I miserable or am I miserable?

...Santa that's my only wish this year...

> World Peace. :)

> Female empowerment.

> Roomie attaining enlightenment, promising to keep the room neat, clean and green. And I am not very particular about the last part.

> Educational opportunities for the retards who write the dialogues for the Star Plus/Colours/Sony soaps.

> Restraint over my words and actions. Also over my mind, which seems to have a mind and mood of its own.

> Compassion, not just towards fellow humans, but also for our four-legged furry friends.

> Better understanding of the human psyche.

> The ability to stick to my plans.

> An opportunity to change someone's life, make a difference, a positive one.

> Forgiveness.

> Unexpected hugs. Nothing, and I repeat, nothing makes me happier. Conditions apply though, please smell nice. :)

> Choco excess, Barista. On my to-do list.

> Earphones which fit into my ears. Honestly, I never seem to find a pair which would stay inside. I have unnaturally small ears, maybe, but they seem to keep dropping off on their own. The earphones, and not the ears, I mean.

> Alvin and the Chipmunks version of 'She Will Be Loved'. I am just totally unable to download it, though I did find it on youtube, but I want the mp3 version, one which can be stored and listened to at will, on my cellphone.

> A surprise party. I have never had one. Surprise parties are meant for birthdays, occasions which get me humongously excited, like a year before they actually arrive. Which kind of means the day after my birthday, I start preparing for the next one, which is kind of true. The point is, I am so totally into my big elaborate party myself, I never gave people the opportunity to surprise me with one! Though considering the fact that my best friends are like the epitome of laziness, I wonder if they would give me one even if I hadn't had one planned already. Sigh.

> Infinite supply of Mountain Dew and Cheetos 'Masala Balls'.

> Guitar-playing guy. :D

> Return of Powerpuff Girls, Dexter's Lab, Pokemon, Flintstones, Jetsons on Cartoon Network, and also F.R.I.E.N.D.S.

> Soft toys. Can you ever have enough of them?

> 'All we need is love'. Not really. Maybe we need more expression. :)

PS - The title is a very sweet song by Britney, go give it a hear.

...Give me reason but don't give me choice, 'cause I'll just make the same mistake again...

I deleted the entire message archive on my cell today.
And yes, this is big, big enough to warrant a blog entry.

There have been resolutions taken tonight. Hopefully they will seem as good in the morning.

***

Same Mistake - James Blunt

Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars beneath my feet.
Remember rights that I did wrong, so here I go.
Hello, hello. There is no place I cannot go.
My mind is muddy but my heart is heavy. Does it show?
I lose the track that loses me, so here I go.
And so I sent some men to fight, and one came back at dead of night.
Said he'd seen my enemy. Said he looked just like me,
So I set out to cut myself and here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.
And my reflection troubles me, so here I go.
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake,
I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice.
Give me reason but don't give me choice.
'Cause I'll just make the same mistake again.
Saw the world turning in my sheets and once again I cannot sleep.
Walk out the door and up the street; look at the stars.
Look at the stars fall down.
And wonder where did I go wrong.


***

PS - And maybe someday we will meet, and maybe talk and not just speak.
Don't buy the promises 'cause, there are no promises I keep.

Would you make me number one on your playlist?

Its official. I agree with MTV. Twilight is gay. Its like, a mountain of mush. *Brokeback Mountain of Mush, did you say? :P*. It begins okay, all high school-ey and cute-ish, but then goes on to oh-my-God-one-of-my-flying-in-the-wind-hairstrands-was-within-a-metre-of-the-nail-on-Edward's-pinky-finger-and-so-I-get-my-cardiac-arrested. And am sorry but all it makes me feel is, well, nauseous.

***

Clad in brown trousers and a chequered white shirt, unfailingly he comes, every night at 8 30, and mornings at 7. Without complaining, without flinching, Bhavesh braves through the tasks of washing, cleaning, dusting, and the likes, bestowing upon him the honour of being my mom's Knight in Shining Armor. As we sat having dinner, mom cracked a fairly humorous joke, not rib-crackingly hilarious but funny enough to deserve a chuckle. But me being me, got my famed insane fit of giggles which later metamorphosed into mammoth hysteria, so much so I started choking on my dal. What registered with the auditory senses was an eclectic hybrid of giggles mated with the gasping-gurgling-attempts-at-oxygen. My parents being my parents had had enough experiences of my 'freak of nature'ness and hence calmly continued eating, mentally trying to convince themselves of the fact that I was in fact, but a consequence of their own gene pool. When suddenly a breathless figure appeared on the anvil *okay, door*, terror writ large on his face *okay, I exaggerate*. "Kya hua?" Bhavesh asked, with more than a subtle hint of fear marking his voice. "Kuch nahi, has rahi hai!" said Dad, obviously embarrassed. "Oh, mujhe laga wo gir gayi aur ro rahi hai..".

True story.

Now I can't bring myself to meet his eyes. Not that I wanted to stare deep into them for eternity or anything, but you know. I can't even look at him, I am like Embarrassed with a capital E, followed by a capital M, and then a capital B, you get the drift. What the world come to be. Sigh.

***

Continuing with the she series.

She was, indeed, living a fairytale, with just a slight twist, what with the Hero and the Bad Guy being the same person. She thought his lying would make it easier for her. And she was wrong, as usual. There was a time when she would reread his messages and smile, now she just feels sick. She shakes her head and laughs at being in the QuestionMark mode all this while, when the answer lay stark in front of her.

***

I was too lazy to reach out for the remote and change the channel, which gave me an opportunity to be apprised of certain gems, which would only be found, abundantly so, on Star Plus, such as this one:

"Tumne us neech jaath ki Sarla ke chawal ki kheer banayi?" *thwacks the wife*

Just sitting through a half-hour daily makes me want to do so much to the script/dialogue writers, details of which will remain unmentioned, for this blog believes in the Gandhian ideals of peace and non-violence.

***

Oh and just by the way, I think opening multiple windows instead of multiple tabs, is very very lame.

slit wrists, again.

This was not what she had expected. Definitely not what she had wanted. Those were the paths she had vowed never to tread again. Yet she found herself on the same crossroads. Or maybe, not. There wasn't a choice left to make, now. She had unconsciously decided on the direction, while still in the trance. Now that she had finally removed her rainbow-coloured glasses, only to find herself on the point of no return, she wanted to go back. Nothing in her life had ever been in her control, and this was no exception. She realised she had used up her lifetime's share of will power, and the vestiges of her sanity were fast dwindling as well. She realised there's only so much she could do when she was just a puppet on strings, in the hands of someone who didn't even realise. Realise his power on her was but an exponential function, every tiny maneuver producing a colossal emotional upheaval. And then she gave up her pretences, her high and mighty wall of defences. And then she broke down and cried.

***

And God said "Let there be light". And there was light.
And so she moved to the darkness. The light brought to sight so much she didn't want to see.

"..and so the lion fell in love with the lamb.."

"And I knew in that I had my answer. I didn't know if there was ever a choice, really. I was already in too deep. Now that I knew - if I knew - I could do nothing about my frightening secret. Because when I thought of him, of his voice, his hypnotic eyes, the magnetic force of his personality, I wanted nothing more than to be with him right now.

Even if.."

->Twilight<-

so psyched-ness is a permanent state of my mind now

And if there's somebody in your life who you think would only be remembered as a regret, maybe you need to chuck him out, here and now, because there's no going back. No pretending it never happened. Because it looks like the easiest option but sorry, it doesn't work out. You just realise they are too much 'into' you for you to shut them out. You realise you are not a child anymore and that closing your eyes will not make you invisible to other people. And when you open them again, things will be the same around you. That you only get to spend so much time in Fantasyland, and then 'Show's over', your ticket ain't valid no longer. Too much you-know-about-them, too much they-know-about-you, too much happiness, too much hurt, just too many memories. Decoding every subtle attempt at sarcasm, looking through every fake smile, catching every hint of a tear, and yet trying not to look into those omniscient eyes is no fun. You could be lucky and not run into him and everything would seem fine, but put yourself and your insane-mess-of-emotions within a 2 metre radius of him for a couple of hours, and you are no longer in the amethyst-bed-covers-and-cheery-lilac-curtains room: suffocated with teddy bears, karaoke-ing away to the latest Katy Perry, you are holding on to the phone listening to the dead staccato beats, trying not to let the tears stream down your face.

Piling up hopes, only to crumble into a heap-

I need to give up before I fall in too deep.

Note - Please don't take offences, anybody, it isn't about you, okay maybe it is, but it isn't just about you, its also the other you, and more of me and my indefatigable stream of abstruse thoughts.

---

My Dad asked me what I count as the happiest moment of my life, or maybe one of the moments I was exceptionally over-the-top happy? I could think of none. Has my life been that shallow and uninspiring? Can you tell me what was yours? Or if lucky, one of them happiest mo's?

---

I so need that Goa trip next week. Maybe I'll throw away my laptop and cell phone at home, disconnect from the world, and try and attain some 'moksha' from the proverbial 'moh-maya'.

Tag-ilicious

Have you ever had to choose between two people? If so, how hard was it?
- No. Or maybe I don't remember.

Do you have a member of the opposite sex you've told everything to?
- Yes. Sad I don't talk to him anymore.

Have you ever lost a friend(s)? How?
- Again, none I remember.

Do you honestly have any regrets?
- Yes, loads.

Have you met anybody that changed your life?
-Changed the way I behave, yes.

Missing anybody?
- Not really. Got over missing people, its not worth it.

Are you in any kind of emotional pain right now?
- No, just menstrual. :P

Do you believe in marriage? Do you plan on getting married someday?
- Yeah, more or less.

Which is harder: walking away from somebody you love or coming back to somebody who has hurt you?
- Walking away is ALWAYS harder.

What would your new last name be if you married the last person who texted?
- Shrivastava, I don't intend on changing my surname.

Has your heart ever truly ached for somebody?
- Don't think so.

When did you last cry?
- Yesterday.

Is it easier to pretend everything's okay for you?
- I don't do it.

Ever cried while you were on the phone with someone?
- Loads of times.

Do you take walks often?
- Oh yes, and I have somebody to thank for it. :)

I bet you're talking to someone right now, aren't you?
- No.

Could you forgive your best friend for sleeping with the guy/girl you like?
- Maybe.

Do any girls/guys hate you because you went out with their ex?
- Never done anything like that.

Do you think "I love you" are strong words?
- Yes, and ones I use very loosely, I should be careful on who I choose to spend them on, no?

Are you nice to everyone?
- Yes. I try.

Ever receive a really long apology?
- Yes.

Does a kiss make you feel better?

- Hugs do.

Is anything bugging you right now?
- Yes, a weird sense of null-and-void-ness.

Do you think you could live without your cell phone?

- I guess.

Would you date someone that none of your friends like?
- Yeah.

If you woke up as the opposite gender, what’s the 1st thing you would do?
- Get upset?!

Do you want a well-paying job or a job you enjoy?
- Well paying, if I have to make a choice.

Do you like hugs?
- So much.

Where do you want to go to college?
- "I am where you want to be" - on my college teeshirt. :P

Is any part of your body sore?
- Voicebox, I talk a lot. :P

Who was the last girl to say something to you?
- Mum asked me to take my meds, if it counts.

Is there anyone you would seriously punch right now if you had the chance?
- No.

You're thinking about somebody right now, aren't you?
- My goldfish who died.

Why did you last cry?
- Was watching 'A Walk to Remember'.

Are you looking for a girlfriend/boyfriend?
- A fairytale love story, would be more like it.

Do you wish you were somewhere else right now?
- No, I am where I want to be. :P

When was the last time you laughed really hard?
- Couple of hours ago?

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
- I don't think so.

Will you kiss the last person you kissed again?
- Maybe. If she's had a bath.

Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoos?
- Tattoo on the shoulder blade. :)

Do you like your life as of now?
- Could be better, on the academic front.

Last time you walked on the beach at night?
- 6 years. Diu. School trip.

Do you always answer your phone?
- Yes, even when I am angry at the call-er.

Is there a high chance of you going out to the movies soon?
- Yes, tomorrow. :)

Has anyone told you they would never leave and left?
- Nobody's said that.

When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings?
- No siblings.

Something that confused you today?
- Nothing.

Where did you last sleep other than your house?
- Hostel room?

Do you plan on getting drunk in the near future?

- I want to get drunk real bad once.

Do you sleep with the door open or closed?
- Open

If your ex said they hated you, what would you say?

- "Too bad". :P

How do you feel about your hair right now?
- I could get it straightened, I don't know.

Have you ever had a best friend of the opposite sex?
- Yes.

Fess up, who was the last person you thought about kissing?
- I kissed my roomie when she was mad at me for not disposing off the newspapers, though I don't know if it calmed her down so much.

Name one person you wish you could fix things with, and why haven’t you?
- Nobody I can remember.

Do you find smoking unattractive?

- Very.

Have you ever found it hard to get over someone?
- Not really.

Will you be in bed within twenty minutes?
- Don't think so.

Are you friends with someone who's older than you?
- Yes.

Does anyone think that you're a bitch?
- I do.

Your honest opinion: high school, best or worst years of your life?
- Somewhere in between.

Have you ever stolen from someone?
- No.

Is there anything in your past you just don't talk about at all?
- No.

Tagged by Misha.

I tag all my pretties who haven't updated in a while. So that's you Abhilasha, Disha, Vasudha, Novocaine. :)

Sweet Home Alabama, oops, Ahmedabad

So when this lady at the-counter-where-I-get-my boarding-pass asked me if I have any seat preferences, I wanted to say 'Next to Mr.Cute Guy pliss?', but ended up going 'window, if its possible', which it wasn't, for that matter. I am always very unlucky when it comes to my seating in journeys. There was this time I had actually managed a window one, but then Auntyji decided to encroach upon mine, and I was too sweet to say anything. I normally remain very psyched through air journeys and so it doesn't really matter. Plus I can just catch glimpses of the outside anyway, unless of course, Uncleji decides to hog it all to himself. The weird part is every time I have an aisle seat, Unclejies and Auntyjies next to me have to use the lavatory multiple times during those 85 minutes. And then the Hedonistaah has to wake up from her psyche-induced slumber, and shift and blah and bleh. You know about all those movies and novels where they have the female lead sit next to a cute guy, and then they get talking, and so on and so forth. Never happens to me. Only Us and As.

Mom was faint with super high BP yesterday. 100/150. And to think she normally has low BP. And do you know why? Because moi was to travel alone. Sheesh. We are a family of highly emotional fools.

My Math tutor at the JEE coaching place was all "OMG, you have become even thinner! On a diet or something?". And I weighed myself at the Doc's today. 52!! EEEEEEE. So I am back to 52. And so I binge. For a month. Yay.

Breaking News:

My. mom. is. teasing. me.

With. a. guy.

Never. before.

Help.

PS - I love waking up to texts. *hint hint nudge nudge*

I think I'm falling for you

Check out last Saturday's issue of Mint(HT supplement).
Life-changing.



At least for the next four hours, after which, I start whining about academics, roomies and fatty acids.

***

Cookie - "She called you a donkey."
Zookie - "Wow. How accurate."
Cookie - "I love that word."
Zookie - "She or called or donkey or..?"
Cookie - "Teehee. You. You are my favourite word."
Zookie - "You mean 'you' is your favourite word."
Cookie - "No. I mean you are my favourite word."

***

Me and C went to Select Citywalk after the exam today. She had to get a birthday gift for somebody she is 'just friends' with. Anyway, so we ended up walking for four hours and could decide upon nothing. Blahness. Total blahness. Plus we weren't focussing on the task at hand. We spent quite a bit of time at 'Mothercare' going all 'EEEEEEEEE' at all the aww-somely cute teeny tiny thingumjigs over there. And also the Kids Section at Pantaloons. And Shopper's stop. Some days I feel so domesticated. And all housewife-y. Like when I Diwali clean-ed my room. Or when I organise and reorganise my cupboard(I could never understand why my Mom loved doing that). And when I yell at my roomies if they don't have meals at the proper time, or don't take their meds. Okay yes, I know I do those things too, but then I have somebody to yell at me too. Oh and its nice to have people yell at you. But then if its nice people we are talking about, you don't care if its yelling or shrieking or plain sweet-nothing-whispering as long as they're talking to you. :) Sheesh. I make it sound like such a favor. Or maybe it is. And and, don't you love 'tu jaane na' from the ajab movie? And and, aren't momos the best thing about Delhi?

No, they are not. The best thing about Delhi is its crowd. **[Excluding certain IIT Profs here]
Nice warm sweet. And also very very dressed up all the time. Random pretty woman in Select Citywalk showed us the way to the Metropolitan Mall. Like got up, and walked us half the way. Shweet no? And it could also be the fog. Or the beeyootiful IIT campus, and the MS, and the sight of the MS through that fog in the mornings. I like the fog. It gives you clarity of thought. [ironic, I know]. Teaches you to overlook certain blemishes, and that everything, in persepective, is pretty. Though I don't really get the point of all girls having rebonded (straightened) hair in here, I mean, whats the point? You end up looking the same. Like the next girl in tow. Okay but that may be me obsessing because I have hair which doesn't fall in the domain of either straight or curly. Its just intermediate. And I hate intermediate. It, in some weird way, stands for mediocrity for me. And while on the topic of best things about Delhi, let me not forget my Knights And Dames In Smiling Armour. So, three point two five cheers to Pouty Poo, Novo, and the Depletor of my Cellphone balance, TheDarkLord. Maybe my CS roomie too, agreed she has more wildlife in her head than Kaziranga, literally and metaphorically, but in all her buffoonery and rigid idiosyncracies, I think I have found a golden heart too, and she thinks I give the warmest hugs ever. So double brownie points.

Its been a measly peasly four months and I already have a memory bank, which I look into on and off, to gorge off on some sweet tidbit whenever the sugar levels are low. Maybe this is Delhi's gift to me. The memories. The random walks in and around the campus. Cafe Qahwa, Subway, Barista, Rainbows, Scissors, Archies. And when I go past them again, they bring a smile to my face. The tree I had sat down under listening to your stories. Random hugging on account of obtaining tickets to 'Love Aajkal'. Outside Priya. With people staring. One Tight Slap followed by 'It hurts' under 'Hate the Sin, Not the Sinner'. Passing out in the Chemistry Lab. And then being fussed over. The awkward lunches at SipNBite. The 'fanta' treat. The eerie calmness of the road to Green Park. The watchman you had asked directions from, to IIT. The shop in Jia Sarai we had walked a mile for, for a Sprite. Which you jhutha-ed anyway. And the fact that I am okay with jhutha now. Mind you, just yours and C's. The Ber Sarai book trip. Running across floors in the MS till 3 in the morning. Embarrassed. Trying to hide. 'Shutaap' on the pseudo-terrace in Citywalk. Walking into Levi's and going 'Anything under 300 after discount?'. The Password sharing ceremony at the Roundabout. Holding hands to sleep. Sharing blankets. Cuddling. Crying on the stairs of Bharti building. Crying five minutes to my eighteenth birthday. Getting lost on the highway. Watching you sleep in CYL. Bawling into your arms the night before Minor 1. Getting up, close and personal with Nitin Jain. *Okay, no up, no personal, but just a metre away. Ooh.* Going all 'Oh I am so going to miss you' and then not talking for days. Singing (if it can be called so) 'White Flag' at the top of our voices 3 hours before the MEL110 major. The Momos at SDA. The Kathi Rolls in that very shady street. Candles at India Gate. India-ness at India Gate.
So, this is to Delhi *with its 'dil' and all, i don't know about its 'dil', but it sure has mine* , I think I'm falling for you. :)

The Hedonistaah is disappointed in the wizard of Uz. I thought we could do better than that. I thought you knew me better than that. 'So much for my happy ending' and all..

And, chinkypoo, you know why I like you so much with your twisted psyche? Because it gels so well with mine. Our psyches twist together, in tandem, like the two strands of the double helical DNA. :)

Continuous and Comprehensive Evaluation

:D

To the end of the world and back

Sometimes more than anybody and anything else in the world, I hate myself. And its not about me obsessing over trivial things even when I am on my oh-God-am-stuck-with-trivial-mortals-who-obsess-about-broken-nails-and-broken-relationships trip. No, I am not talking about me the hypocrite. Or me, the biased bitch. *Yes, I am very very biased, and prejudiced, and judgemental. The very things that endear X to me are those I find repulsive in Y.*

So yesterday I was in a bad bad mood. And a 'how are you' sms from the DarkLord sent me to tears. Basically one of those phases when even a traffic jam can make you cry. And all I needed was a hug. And all I had in my room was my messy wali roomie. Only refuge, and I was very desperate. And as the roomie, who, by the way, I had called a bullshit-er 10 minutes ago, kindly wiped of the saline off my cheeks, all I could think of was if she had washed her hands after she'd used the loo the last time. And when I saw ink stains on her hands later, I really had bile up my throat.
I am such an ungrateful wretch. And mental filth is harder to get rid of than physical dirt.

***

Elaborating on why 'how are you'-ness psyches me a lot - sometimes when you've got nothing going right, and people ask how you are, and you mentally start framing an answer to that question, do you realise how sad and pathetic your existence is. Everything in a properly worded/sentence form always has a stronger impact. At least for 'words are all I have' people like me, who unconsciously compose a narrative of every moment they spend awake, to exhaust on somebody who's probably not even interested in listening. I sound like dripping depression all the time these days. I am not like that, really. When I am not on my self-hating guilt trips, I am normally euphoric, delirious and delusional. Ask people who talk to me at 2 in the night. People who have all the time in the world to change their gmail theme, but not a moment to send in a one statement reply. :|

***

Do you remember kids going "You're mental" when they meant "You're mad"? And even though the former isn't grammatically correct, don't you find it infinitely cuter?
Doesn't it feel like somebody stopped short of saying 'You're mentally retarded', which though, would be a medical condition, which shouldn't be joked around with, but then so is madness. Somehow mentally retarded sounds all technical and hence, much more serious. That's the advantage with big words. Or maybe disadvantage. You can call somebody mad, and there'll be no issues, but call someone a retard, and people could take offense. Plus it sounds nasty too. Its weird how the same meaning words have different connotations. 'Pagal' is something now used affectionately. And insane sounds so cool. Egad. Excuse, its just me, the random bullshit-er.

***

"Why don't you ever look at me when I am talking to you?"
"So you caught me."
"Yes, but why? I am not that ugly, you know, nobody's got their cardiac arrested by merely looking at me, yet."
"Geez. Its because I am afraid.."
"Now I'm scary as well? So is it like scarily ugly or uglily scary?"
"I am scared I won't be able to match up to the trust I see, or rather try to avoid, in your eyes."
"If only you would look into my eyes for long enough, you would realise.."
"Realise what?"
"That they are dark brown."

Update

1. So this OhmiGod-she's-so-cool senior dropped by, and I was all 'EEE'-ness but then the meeting wasn't exactly in the rosy surroundings I had intended it to be. My room was like the epitome of filth+mess with all kinds of ugly things ranging from my retainers to flowery undies(guess who!), strewn around in a not so tasteful manner. The only two embarrassing things my room was rid of were my two roomies, which are like the most embarrassing, so thankyousomuchGod for that. And super-senior-woman, if you're reading this, please don't let yesterday's experience put you off visiting my room in the future, I promise I'll be neater, and that I'll throw all my roomies' stuff into the bin, next time I find it lying around without a proper sense of direction in their worthless unemaciated existence. Sigh. If only I could do the same with the two other occupants of this room who fall into the same category.
*My roommates aren't that bad, they're pretty cute, in a way, take this as fiction, alrite!*
2. I trusted you to not read my blog after I asked you not to. You broke it. You can expect to never be considered a friend again. I am sorry I don't forget easy.
3. And if 'she' was getting distressed about the number of 'I love you's in the comments section of my previous post, I can't imagine her horror if she reads the messages in my inbox. Far more lovey dovey, far more scandalous. And yes, all girl friends. :) And no, it doesn't look gay to me. Its very very cute. So again, DQ and Lasha, and the rest(Uz,Am,Ra,Suey,Novocaine,DarkLord), sending you a large pitcher of hedonistaah-love, with a lifetime supply. Which reminds me, Uz, stop being so pissed with me and come back. Lets have a running in slow motion through the yellow mustard fields, hugging and reuniting scene of our own. <3
4. And an unexpected mail. Which made me go all 'Aww'. EEE. I really don't deserve sweetness like you in my life.
5. Most importantly, reconnected with somebody who was very very special to me at one point of time. Things had to sour and we had to move away without a proper bye. Thank you for coming back. Thank you so much. You have no idea how delighted I was, when I saw you obsessing over a guy and not 'it' like you used to. Maybe its still there, but I know its dying. You sound happy M, and that makes me super-duper-yabba-dabba-doo-ey happy. You're one very special woman, and very brave. I always looked up to you, admired you, and wanted to be like you. I still do. And when you grow up to be this superstar diva, I will tell people around me, you were my first best friend.

..And I don't need no Carryin' on..

Disturbed. Distressed. Tired. Tensed. Frustrated. Fed up. Misunderstood. At times. Mistaken. A lot. Messed up. More than I can clean up. More than I had expected. More than I can handle. An apology for an existence. Like a pebble lying inconspicuously on the road. A stone which does nothing but gather moss. And once in a while, in an uncanny rush of enthusiasm, tries to do something useful, and ends up causing an accident and getting kicked out of the way so that the world can resume its journey in peace. Me = Useless. Waste of space. And there will be no happy ending. Just a lot of 'crashing' and 'burning'.

No expectations. No explanations. No clarifications. Everything has already spiralled way beyond control. Its time she learnt. To shut up. And start keeping her secrets. To herself.

The DQ raised a very good question yesterday. "Why do you hate it so much here?". To which I mumbled some rubbish about the city making me feel unwanted, and out-of-place. But the truth is, I have no answer. I do not know. Why am I such a freaked out psycho? Why am I such a whine? Why do I have an issue with everything? Why do I write such embarrassingly stupid stuff? What exactly is my problem? I have no clue. Like The Dark Lord puts it, they don't teach us all that in JEE coaching classes.





Help. Please.

Just another face in the crowd

Sometimes the seemingly most innocent and innocuous statements stimulate the extremest of reactions. I remember a friend writing to me, in a particularly sentimental letter about how once my saying "Khush raha kar" had touched her deeply. I remember thinking this wasn't what you would call the quintessential tear-jerker super-awesomely mushy statement which would get you all emotional, and definitely not one which you would expect people to remember you by. But as I now stood, clutching desperately onto the phone, with the familiar warm voice cooing 'Try and be happy, beta', I realised how much something like this affects you when you know how you are fighting your way through the day, the hour, the moment. How difficult it is to maintain a bright and cheery exterior when your insides are tearing away at every smile you fake. How it feels to fall down and have nobody's hand to pull you up, but your own. And how you try to survive solely on the distant hope that you'll be visiting home soon. Sheesh. 'Visiting home'. Going back home. Where I belong. And will always.

Stupid Cupid.

Why is it that on the day and at the time you're feeling your worst is when the one true crush of your life decides to suddenly and unexpectedly tap your shoulder all 'Hey'-ey as you're trudging along after a long tiring day with a bitter expression on your face, (why bitter? because you just tasted life). And then instead of a sweet charming 'Hi' all you can say is 'Yikes', while that pink thing inside your ribcage, which used to be as big as your right-hand but has now swollen to mammoth proportions, keeps going 'Yayayayay' all through. And then the rest of the way back home, you can't help but keep praying 'Oh God, please please please could I have been looking drop dead gorgeous', though you know this was the very day you had forgotten to comb your hair and were most definitely looking five months pregnant.
Sigh.


PS - Its when you read Neil Nitin Mukesh as Nitin Jain, do your realise you're officially obsessed.

Comfortably Dumb

This blog was meant to be a medium of documenting my life around the JEE, its aftermath and its consequences. *Whoot, sounds like I was so mucho into JEE, which totally, and sadly, wasn't the case, but anyway*. A better option would have been writing a diary, you would say. But moi, the wannabe, born-into-the-limelight-and-can't-stay-away-from-it woman (Ha! 18 is so woman), would wilt away into upset-ness if she didn't have people knowing about it and commenting. So people here don't always give her the pleasure of the latter, but at least I know you guys read. Hopefully. And I obsessively compulsively confess everything anyway, so its not like I would have something on I could not put up here. Damn digression. The point was, me not treating the blog as a diary which me should have been doing. So, one tight keyboardslap to moi.
And, back to business.

The Get Thin Quick Scheme isn't working, and so I have given up sweets too. I had a Gulab Jamun today, which can be excused as I was really really depressed, with my room-mate leaving for her guardian's place, and so me=miss her so much. 3 days of missed breakfast, and 2 days of missed dinner, and no sweets on top of it, but no visible change yet.

Something very terrible happened this week, but I won't blog about it, I have already told everybody I could, and I don't want a written memory of it. Now that I wrote this, its completely defeating the cause, but then its my blog. I do what I want. I have all the permission in the world to behave like a random-verbal-shit-retching maniac having a neurosis, and I know thats what I am doing now.

The CHN class today was particularly entertaining with the guy demonstrating the Optical Microscope thingy going all: "Ang bang dang whooshtang foogang clearly, Dumastang wang wang goes in hair, clearly, Mang gang jang wang plang, hey you. is it clearly?"

This week has also seen me in pretty euphoric moods, which shouldn't have been the case, as a) terrible something aforementioned happened b)haven't got much work done c)got marks, which weren't much d)couldn't even qualify for the finals in the quiz yesterday. So yeah, despite all that its-just-not-my-day thing happening, I've been pretty okay, and not wallowing in self-pity like I normally do.

Now I don't normally blog about very close friends, but this needs a mention, if its to be a proper diary, so, here goes, I have come into contact with 'dodgy doggie' aka 'pure evil', who is also pure adorability, who showed me what drugs look like. Not the pharmaceutical drugs, my sweets, but the real thing. The ones they show in movies and write about in novels. And before momsy and daddy, and close concerned friends and seniors get all disturbed about the company I am keeping, let me clarify we just found it lying inside the IIT campus, and before I could touch it, responsible 'pure evil' threw it away. But anyway, that checks one of the many many things in my to-do list of very unnecessary things. Remember Twilight? Edward had to not-very-willfully bite Bella, and consequently turned her into a vampire, in order to save her life. Now, pure evil is equally hesitant about me crossing over to the Dark Side. But a part of me knows I was always meant to be there. I could never handle the sun when I was young, I would get headaches/faint/throw random tantrums. Now I understand why. I was always The Devil's Own. And it took me 18 years and a chance meeting with Satanic Shadows to realise. Sheesh. Who let this doggie out?

Cryptic much? And very un-me like. Whatever happened to the wannabe cheesy writer who wrote about happiness and sunshine and cottonwool and barbie dolls? It could be the still-awake-but-very-sleepy-at-2 am-ness catching up.

With the arbitical-nonsense off my head, and into your computer screens now, I guess I have done my Bad Deed for The Day and can now peacefully sleep. Like we would say in gujju, 'Good night, fox'.

PS - I still look for you in the multitude of students who trot out of the HUL class in the Seminar Hall every Wednesday at 4. And sometimes, I think I see you.

[Don't go looking for meanings, this was written in a very very morbid context, which could be a part of a 'fiction' piece I may never have the courage to put up, or even save.]

Thousand Word Post

Bathroom Rules

By Moi and Abhilasha

*to impress the BHM inspection committee.*

***

And you don't get to see the tears I cry..

..Behind these Hazel Eyes

*My first charcoal painting. :D*

***

PS - Pictures say a thousand words, in case you feel I bluffed in the title. But nobody reads the title anyway, so bleh.

Of Earthquakes, Fat-ness, My Roomie and other Scary Things

Its official. There was an earthquake last night. I, obviously, couldn't feel it. [There are few things which can distance me and my food, and me and my sleep. Slob, yes.] But my roommates were nice enough to wake me up as they ran. Now, I, having experienced the 2001 Gujarat earthquake, and all the aftershocks that came with it, get totally jittery and panicky with the quake thing. Plus, waking up to screams and the sound of people running, is very very scary. So when everybody collected, all excited and chatty, in my wing, me and my roommate(thankfully as much of a sissy as I am) stood holding hands, and shaking so much like the quake was still on.
After the whole tujhe-feel-hua?-mujhe-feel-hua! gossip, we returned to bed, almost on the verge of crying. And the third roommate with her weird morbid ideas of 'when death has to come, it will' and 'why are you scared of death, its an experience' did nothing to help our cause.

But then its Himadri, right? And there is something to smile about whatever the case.[Touchwood]

Girl 1: "I felt it. It was very very strong. Severe enough to wake me up from sleep, and guess what I woke up to, the cupboard swinging violently!"
Me and Roommate: *shudder*
Rest of the girls: :O :O :O "Hawwwww".
Girl 2 *apparently embarrassed at being one-upped in sensitivity*:" I felt it too. I woke up too."
Me and Roommate: *shudder*
Girl 3 *You should know who she is*: "Yaar, mujhe to feel nahi hua. I was sitting here filing my nails, they haven't even fallen, see see."
Me and Roommate: *shudder*
Girl 1 *trying to steal the thunder back*: "But we were in the room opposite to yours, how come we felt it and you didn't?"
Me and Roommate: *shudder*
Girl 3: "Arey there is something about epicentres na. Your room could have been one!". And she was totally serious, it was incredible.
Me: *tries to catch people laughing*
Me: *tires of searching in vain*
Me: *goes back to shuddering with The Roommate*

***

In further news(:D), like you might already have noticed, I am bursting at the seams. And so, after pensive introspection, I have decided to give up rice. And have been pretty much successful. No rice lunch-dinner-yesterday and lunch-today. But I kinda more than made up for it, and totally defeated the effort, by having 5 Jalebis for dessert. F-I-V-E Jalebis. There was a time, the very sight of those made me puke-y. IIT has made a monster out of me. I was the thin girl. People used to look at me and go *sigh*. But then. Times change. People change. I just never thought it could have this 'getting wider' connotation.

***

As a parting comment, I leave you with something very insightful my roomie had to say yesterday. My roomie and insightful are not even in the same zip code, and this was one of those rare 'Eureka' moments, so do give it the attention and astute appreciation it deserves.

"The President of the United States? I know I know. Hold on. Um...Obama Bin Laden?! Haina Haina??"

:D

Cheers!

***

Urgent

You need to read this, right now!