Just another face in the crowd

Sometimes the seemingly most innocent and innocuous statements stimulate the extremest of reactions. I remember a friend writing to me, in a particularly sentimental letter about how once my saying "Khush raha kar" had touched her deeply. I remember thinking this wasn't what you would call the quintessential tear-jerker super-awesomely mushy statement which would get you all emotional, and definitely not one which you would expect people to remember you by. But as I now stood, clutching desperately onto the phone, with the familiar warm voice cooing 'Try and be happy, beta', I realised how much something like this affects you when you know how you are fighting your way through the day, the hour, the moment. How difficult it is to maintain a bright and cheery exterior when your insides are tearing away at every smile you fake. How it feels to fall down and have nobody's hand to pull you up, but your own. And how you try to survive solely on the distant hope that you'll be visiting home soon. Sheesh. 'Visiting home'. Going back home. Where I belong. And will always.

An 'Inconvenient' Truth

You know you are having a bad day when...

From Bad to Worse

Self-Obsessing.

# The movie 'Koi Mil Gaya' and the whole alien thing scared the hell out of me.

# Virtually everything scares the hell out of me.

# I hate running, but not because of the fear of sweat, or physical exertion, but because am scared I would fall.

# The "smell" of deos make me pukey. I can't stand (or stand next to) people who use them. Smelling all soapy and fresh is nice, but deos are total bleh-ness.

# I hate it when people write "ya" when they mean "yeah".

# Bad english totally turns me off. I almost had a crush on this guy once, but just in time, he went all "It is written on the behind of the book.."

# Sometimes I listen to loud music just to shut the voices in my head.

# I want to run away all the time, wherever I may be.

# I like, okay, not like maybe, but I prefer being alone and quiet in the dark. It both fascinates and scares the hell out of me, but i still do it, its therapy when i am in of those 'intermediate' phases, when there is something stuck between normalcy and full-on depression, like a knot in the chest, with me having no idea why. It pushes me to hardcore upset-ness, and then I can cry it out.

# I often wonder if 'cutting' is a form of penitence or is it a sin in itself?

# Why do we try to gain acceptance from the people who snub us most?

# I have, lately, failed to live up to my expectations of myself. And its not just academics am talking about. Its about me, the person, the good girl, or is she anymore? I hate the grown up me. I have turned so evil. :(

Sheesh. I wonder if I should publish it or just let it be.

The girl who hated chocolate.

Once upon a time, there was a girl. She was a happy child. Pretty much most of the time. She cried only when she had to visit the doctor. Then she grew up, came to the eleventh standard. IIT happened. She went to college. The people around her were nice. But she wasn't happy. She knew she had no proper reason for it. She knew she was insulting all the good things in her life by being a whine. She knew what upset her were all very trivial things. Somebody in her hostel lying to her is actually a joke when there's terrorism and poverty and insane stuff like that. She knew. She knew she should be very grateful for what she had. But at that point of time, a week before her eighteenth birthday, nothing else mattered. Her birthday had always been her most favourite time of the year. She would wait for the day all year round. And the whole eighteenth thing made it extra special. She had wanted it to be big. Maybe even small, just, special. It was her eighteenth, for Godssake. She would be entering adulthood. Would not have made much of a difference, she still wouldn't drive, she couldn't have voted for the next 4 years, and she already watched adult movies. Still, eighteenth. EIGHTEENTH.
In a weird place. With weird people. Half of whom would not even know its her birthday. Almost the whole batch would wish her in school. Now it was college. Stoopid snooty college. Away from her parents. And her three best friends in the whole world.
She feared it would be...boring. Or worse, sad. The girl, she always hated chocolate. But now, she wanted some. Its good if you're depressed, or so she had heard.


She doesn't want comments on this post. She doesn't want to talk to anybody. If she doesn't reply to your messages/calls/mails, please excuse her. She's just not in the right frame of mind. She is screwed up, pretty much. And the whole idea of having a sorry birthday doesn't appeal to her. Which is making her :( - er.

[She did not even laugh when somebody called "chilled_****2004" messaged her.]

She knows everybody is going to find this supremely 'immature' or 'childish' or 'plain stupid'. Maybe she will too, in time. But for now, No comments, please.

[Not a lot of people comment anyway, but whatever.]

PS - She is scared of sounding silly. And vulnerable. And stupid. And of losing the only confidante she has in here. Or maybe she already has. She is such a chep. She's a crazy crazy girl. Maybe she deserves what she's getting. And now she's rambling. And praying nobody reads this. She could just choose to not publish it. But she will. Somebody told her to not care too much about what other people think. But she's now scared of what 'somebody' might think. If he reads. An event she doesn't think will happen.

Geez. She's a total mess.

And writing it all out did not make her feel any better. Like she thought it would.

:(

Blah, blah and more blahs.

>>>

I've had this conversation a lot of times this past fortnight:

Random Person In Hostel: Are you an only child?
Me: Yeah. Howdyuknow?
Random Person In Hostel: You look all cute, and you know, pampered.
Me: Uh, um, is that a good thing? Looking pampered?
Random Person In Hostel: Haha.

Hear one, hear all. When I ask you a question, I want an answer. Do NOT Laugh, and if am talking to you online, do not LOL or :) or :D or anyfunnystuff like that. Because maybe I look like a kid(Yes, I have been told that by 3126 people in the insti. And its been just 4 weeks. Imagine!) and thus you might be compelled to take all my questions in jest, but I actually, totally, am serious all the time(mostly), and I HAAAAATE being called a kid, I've had enough, please. I mean it. I am turning 18 in 11 days. Please? PLEASE?

>>>

Ever since I've come home, Mum-Dad are like, 'Kitni patli ho gayi!!'. Which makes me thing exactly how fat I was earlier. Geez.

>>>

Why do you need to tell somebody you love them? Why can't they just...understand?

>>>

I get terribly awkward and embarrassed at times, and I've been asked, by my *having-our-best-interests-at-heart* seniors, to not look at seniors so much while walking around the insti, and guess who do I turn to in times of such solid distress. My Cell phone! So the next time you see me busy typing furiously on my cell, don't think am messaging, am just locking and unlocking the keypad.

>>>

Something I've been noticing over the past few months(years?) is that people don't usually reply when you say Sorry. Another funny thing is that they say 'Its okay' when you say Thank You. Not that its wrong, but really, its been like one hundred fifty seven days since anybody said 'Welcome' or 'My pleasure' to me. And there was this guy in my chem lab class who went all 'Its alright. Don't mind. My pleasure. No problem' when I said Thank You for having borrowed his pen. Gives an entirely new definition to etiquette. Or maybe its just over-enthu? He must have been from the Aravali hostel, their chant goes 'Ara ka enthu high hai'. *Starts fiddling with her cell*. Ok, I understand its not funny. This point was totally random, but its 1 am at night, what else do you expect?

>>>

I realised when I'm really really happy, I sing. And sing really well, or so I would like to believe. And your opinion on this issue is so not solicited. :P

>>>

I am neck-deep in shit. Work, I mean. Work = Shit, pretty much. And the weekend is going to be over soon. Monday ko professors ko kya muh dikhaungi? :(

>>>

Ra, sweetheart, am sorry, okay? I'll make it up to you. Which reminds me, I have a lot of making up to do, to lots of people. Sigh.

How The Hedonistaah Got Kissed, Got Wild, and Got a Life

Well, that was kind of on the agenda for college, but things aren't going as per plan, whats new? I am not exactly having 'the time of my life'. I study because I have nothing else to do. How pathetic is that?
They say you learn all of life's best lessons in college, I agree. I have learnt.

> To wash clothes.
> To coexist whine-less-ly with creatures having more than 3 pairs of legs.
> To survive with a 5 hour sleep, rice for lunch and dinner, and no breakfast.
> To get my own glasses of water.
> To sleep with people who sound the 'Extreme' alarm on your 'Gross-o-meter'.
> The pros and cons of giving into those guilty pleasures. Actually just the cons.
> To stop cribbing. *Eh, what am I doing now?*
> To use stinky loos housing beauties which served as extras in 'the Exorcist'.
> To wear clothes inside the shower, which is exactly 1 square foot in area.
> To overcome my dettol-addiction.
> How it feels to be snapped at. *No, its not somebody in campus*.
> What Charlie Chaplin meant by "I love walking in the rain, 'cause noone knows I'm crying".
> There's no place like home. I always believed so, but now the faith is like Reinforced Cement Concrete.
> That I can be super-pseudo when I want to. Bad bad girl.
> That I can be super-selfish, super-irritating, super-bugging, esp. to this one super-nice guy, if you're reading it, which I hope you are, I am terribly sorry, for the millionth time. Your the first person I completely adored in here, and I have a hunch you'll be the last.
> Nobody fusses over you the way your parents do.
> To stop being so hopeful. It doesn't help.

You three, you know who you are, I'll always love you mostest, and the more I see the people here, the more I miss you. Its called the Theory of Relativity. ;)

PS - And again, you three, don't get all scared and call me up after you read this. I am not suicidal, not yet.