Comfortably Dumb

This blog was meant to be a medium of documenting my life around the JEE, its aftermath and its consequences. *Whoot, sounds like I was so mucho into JEE, which totally, and sadly, wasn't the case, but anyway*. A better option would have been writing a diary, you would say. But moi, the wannabe, born-into-the-limelight-and-can't-stay-away-from-it woman (Ha! 18 is so woman), would wilt away into upset-ness if she didn't have people knowing about it and commenting. So people here don't always give her the pleasure of the latter, but at least I know you guys read. Hopefully. And I obsessively compulsively confess everything anyway, so its not like I would have something on I could not put up here. Damn digression. The point was, me not treating the blog as a diary which me should have been doing. So, one tight keyboardslap to moi.
And, back to business.

The Get Thin Quick Scheme isn't working, and so I have given up sweets too. I had a Gulab Jamun today, which can be excused as I was really really depressed, with my room-mate leaving for her guardian's place, and so me=miss her so much. 3 days of missed breakfast, and 2 days of missed dinner, and no sweets on top of it, but no visible change yet.

Something very terrible happened this week, but I won't blog about it, I have already told everybody I could, and I don't want a written memory of it. Now that I wrote this, its completely defeating the cause, but then its my blog. I do what I want. I have all the permission in the world to behave like a random-verbal-shit-retching maniac having a neurosis, and I know thats what I am doing now.

The CHN class today was particularly entertaining with the guy demonstrating the Optical Microscope thingy going all: "Ang bang dang whooshtang foogang clearly, Dumastang wang wang goes in hair, clearly, Mang gang jang wang plang, hey you. is it clearly?"

This week has also seen me in pretty euphoric moods, which shouldn't have been the case, as a) terrible something aforementioned happened b)haven't got much work done c)got marks, which weren't much d)couldn't even qualify for the finals in the quiz yesterday. So yeah, despite all that its-just-not-my-day thing happening, I've been pretty okay, and not wallowing in self-pity like I normally do.

Now I don't normally blog about very close friends, but this needs a mention, if its to be a proper diary, so, here goes, I have come into contact with 'dodgy doggie' aka 'pure evil', who is also pure adorability, who showed me what drugs look like. Not the pharmaceutical drugs, my sweets, but the real thing. The ones they show in movies and write about in novels. And before momsy and daddy, and close concerned friends and seniors get all disturbed about the company I am keeping, let me clarify we just found it lying inside the IIT campus, and before I could touch it, responsible 'pure evil' threw it away. But anyway, that checks one of the many many things in my to-do list of very unnecessary things. Remember Twilight? Edward had to not-very-willfully bite Bella, and consequently turned her into a vampire, in order to save her life. Now, pure evil is equally hesitant about me crossing over to the Dark Side. But a part of me knows I was always meant to be there. I could never handle the sun when I was young, I would get headaches/faint/throw random tantrums. Now I understand why. I was always The Devil's Own. And it took me 18 years and a chance meeting with Satanic Shadows to realise. Sheesh. Who let this doggie out?

Cryptic much? And very un-me like. Whatever happened to the wannabe cheesy writer who wrote about happiness and sunshine and cottonwool and barbie dolls? It could be the still-awake-but-very-sleepy-at-2 am-ness catching up.

With the arbitical-nonsense off my head, and into your computer screens now, I guess I have done my Bad Deed for The Day and can now peacefully sleep. Like we would say in gujju, 'Good night, fox'.

PS - I still look for you in the multitude of students who trot out of the HUL class in the Seminar Hall every Wednesday at 4. And sometimes, I think I see you.

[Don't go looking for meanings, this was written in a very very morbid context, which could be a part of a 'fiction' piece I may never have the courage to put up, or even save.]

Thousand Word Post

Bathroom Rules

By Moi and Abhilasha

*to impress the BHM inspection committee.*

***

And you don't get to see the tears I cry..

..Behind these Hazel Eyes

*My first charcoal painting. :D*

***

PS - Pictures say a thousand words, in case you feel I bluffed in the title. But nobody reads the title anyway, so bleh.

Of Earthquakes, Fat-ness, My Roomie and other Scary Things

Its official. There was an earthquake last night. I, obviously, couldn't feel it. [There are few things which can distance me and my food, and me and my sleep. Slob, yes.] But my roommates were nice enough to wake me up as they ran. Now, I, having experienced the 2001 Gujarat earthquake, and all the aftershocks that came with it, get totally jittery and panicky with the quake thing. Plus, waking up to screams and the sound of people running, is very very scary. So when everybody collected, all excited and chatty, in my wing, me and my roommate(thankfully as much of a sissy as I am) stood holding hands, and shaking so much like the quake was still on.
After the whole tujhe-feel-hua?-mujhe-feel-hua! gossip, we returned to bed, almost on the verge of crying. And the third roommate with her weird morbid ideas of 'when death has to come, it will' and 'why are you scared of death, its an experience' did nothing to help our cause.

But then its Himadri, right? And there is something to smile about whatever the case.[Touchwood]

Girl 1: "I felt it. It was very very strong. Severe enough to wake me up from sleep, and guess what I woke up to, the cupboard swinging violently!"
Me and Roommate: *shudder*
Rest of the girls: :O :O :O "Hawwwww".
Girl 2 *apparently embarrassed at being one-upped in sensitivity*:" I felt it too. I woke up too."
Me and Roommate: *shudder*
Girl 3 *You should know who she is*: "Yaar, mujhe to feel nahi hua. I was sitting here filing my nails, they haven't even fallen, see see."
Me and Roommate: *shudder*
Girl 1 *trying to steal the thunder back*: "But we were in the room opposite to yours, how come we felt it and you didn't?"
Me and Roommate: *shudder*
Girl 3: "Arey there is something about epicentres na. Your room could have been one!". And she was totally serious, it was incredible.
Me: *tries to catch people laughing*
Me: *tires of searching in vain*
Me: *goes back to shuddering with The Roommate*

***

In further news(:D), like you might already have noticed, I am bursting at the seams. And so, after pensive introspection, I have decided to give up rice. And have been pretty much successful. No rice lunch-dinner-yesterday and lunch-today. But I kinda more than made up for it, and totally defeated the effort, by having 5 Jalebis for dessert. F-I-V-E Jalebis. There was a time, the very sight of those made me puke-y. IIT has made a monster out of me. I was the thin girl. People used to look at me and go *sigh*. But then. Times change. People change. I just never thought it could have this 'getting wider' connotation.

***

As a parting comment, I leave you with something very insightful my roomie had to say yesterday. My roomie and insightful are not even in the same zip code, and this was one of those rare 'Eureka' moments, so do give it the attention and astute appreciation it deserves.

"The President of the United States? I know I know. Hold on. Um...Obama Bin Laden?! Haina Haina??"

:D

Cheers!

***

Urgent

You need to read this, right now!

Once upon a time...

..I wrote weird emo poetry(if you can call it that by some stretch of imagination, that is).
Pretty old. 2006. So, pretty much, a slice of history.

Fragmentation

No need for epic ballads

of promises contrite,

when all you feel

is apathy at my plight.

I don't have to disintegrate

inch-by-inch at your sight,

when my own parchment skin

writes suicide notes every night.

***

Counting Days

till
your july eyes
will sail me ashore
& snow-flakes of doubt
will fall on me
no more...

***

alone, you remained-

your cloaked paradise.

but every time it rained

i knew,'twas you:

in disguise.

***

ink-stains have faded,
the soul still remains

smudged.

lying crumpled in waste-bins

these memories

untouched.

***

PS - Why do I label most of the stuff I write as 'random'?

EDIT: Second reading makes me realise how shitty it was. I mean, this is the stuff I normally laugh at, not just because its emo and wannabe dark, but also because, its just so shitty. Don't read, pretty please. And how 'intellectual' of me to put it right at the end of the post. But then if I have it as the title, it'll be reason more so for people to read, so um, just to let you know, I agree with your opinion on this post, and you can save the tomatoes for later. :)

Bad piece, I know. I just had to write something today.

Venturing into forbidden territories was like her forte. And the hyperboloidal paraboloid roof above Dogra Hall was her most favourite place in the whole world. And standing there with her most favourite person in the world trying not to explode into one million pieces at what she knew was going to follow, was the most difficult thing she had done in a long long time. Tougher than learning those mammoth reactions. Tougher than integral calculus. And applied mechanics.
"I wait. Everyday. For a call which wouldn't be a call back. For a message which wouldn't be a reply."
"I like doing that."
"Cheap thrill?"
"No, I like making people wait."
"I could just jump off, and then you would have to wait. For eternity. In vain."
"Was that a threat?"
"You think I would kill myself for you?"
"Yeah, sorry, I know you won't."
"I just could."
"You don't mean it."
"I don't."
"Get lost!"
"Just because I won't die for you?"
"Maybe."
"Alright, I understand, you love me so much you want me to die."
"You don't get it!"
"Oh yes, you and your sad old ideas of romance. And I am supposed to be the girl."
"..."
"Stop staring into space, say something!"
"How can you switch between hot and cold that swiftly?"
"Newton's Law of Cooling states that the rate of change of the temperature of an object is proportional to the difference between its own temperature and the ambient temperature."
"You've lost your sense of humor."
"Like I've lost you."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"You know it all, pretty damned well."
"Don't complicate things."
"Don't run away."
"Am not going anywhere."
"I wish you weren't."
"..."
"You know what I say about relationships. They don't end, they just evolve..."
"..into silences."
"Into silences."

An 'Inconvenient' Truth

You know you are having a bad day when...

From Bad to Worse

Self-Obsessing.

# The movie 'Koi Mil Gaya' and the whole alien thing scared the hell out of me.

# Virtually everything scares the hell out of me.

# I hate running, but not because of the fear of sweat, or physical exertion, but because am scared I would fall.

# The "smell" of deos make me pukey. I can't stand (or stand next to) people who use them. Smelling all soapy and fresh is nice, but deos are total bleh-ness.

# I hate it when people write "ya" when they mean "yeah".

# Bad english totally turns me off. I almost had a crush on this guy once, but just in time, he went all "It is written on the behind of the book.."

# Sometimes I listen to loud music just to shut the voices in my head.

# I want to run away all the time, wherever I may be.

# I like, okay, not like maybe, but I prefer being alone and quiet in the dark. It both fascinates and scares the hell out of me, but i still do it, its therapy when i am in of those 'intermediate' phases, when there is something stuck between normalcy and full-on depression, like a knot in the chest, with me having no idea why. It pushes me to hardcore upset-ness, and then I can cry it out.

# I often wonder if 'cutting' is a form of penitence or is it a sin in itself?

# Why do we try to gain acceptance from the people who snub us most?

# I have, lately, failed to live up to my expectations of myself. And its not just academics am talking about. Its about me, the person, the good girl, or is she anymore? I hate the grown up me. I have turned so evil. :(

Sheesh. I wonder if I should publish it or just let it be.